FEBRUARY 2, 2019
Today we celebrate an ancient and sacred festival. Some know it as Imbolc; others call it Groundhog Day. But all true heathens and good pagan infidels celebrate this holy rite by its true and awesome name: CANDLEMASS.
from the grave
Candlemass is a high holy day in the Swamp Kingdom, honoring the sacred mysteries of early spring. Today's hallowed rite celebrates that vital flame which burns even in frigid night, and that truth which lives ever in our hearts: Nature is metal as fuck.
Remember the reason for the season
Every Candlemass celebration begins with the ceremonial Meditation On His Glorious Resurrection. This important ceremony helps center the mind and prepare the soul for the day of intense, transformative worship ahead.
Before you read further, we ask that you also participate in the Meditation On His Glorious Resurrection, so that your heart will be open and ready for knowledge.
Step 1: Turn your speakers all the way up.
Step 2: ALL THE WAY UP.
Step 3: Focus your attention on this sacred passion play from our lords and saviors, the band CANDLEMASS, they who brought DOOM upon the world:
DO YOU FEEL BEWITCHED YET?
Step 4: Meditate on the sacred truths revealed to you by "Bewitched." Like lead singer Messiah Marcolin, life bursts forth from the cold grave of winter. Spring's return is unyielding and inescapable, like Messiah's stare. As it dances its inexorable doom boogie across the frozen landscape, Spring's vital force transforms the world.
Honoring the rites of spring
The celebration of Candlemass incorporates numerous ancient traditions honoring Spring's impending return from the dead.
Feasting and carousing. Invite some friends over, and/or lock all the doors and refuse to answer the phone if that's what you prefer. Eat good food, play loud music, and drink up all of random alcohol that you've got hanging around the house.
Divination. Candlemass is a traditional day for divination of all kinds, particularly weather predictions. Your local customs should guide the manner of your oracular revelation; here at the Swamp Castle, we go out back and commune with The Goats. The Goats possess a vast knowledge of nature's hidden mysteries. If, on Candlemass morning, The Goats are svelte and plotting to escape their pen, spring is just around the corner. If they're still round little butterballs with horns, we've still got several weeks left of winter.
Spring cleaning. Sweep the floor. Change your filthy bedsheets. Drink all the alcohol in the house.
Cursing at the garden. Go outside and take a long look at the garden. Think hard about how much work you’ve got to do to get ready for spring. (You’re definitely NOT working on this today; getting a head start in the garden is bad luck, and guarantees three feet of snow in April and at least a dozen killing frosts in May.) Summon up all your power, and shout into the ground all of your very worst cusses. This is how you show the garden who’s boss, and banish any malign spirits lingering in the soil. Before you know it, it’ll be time to fucking plant peas, and this garden looks like a goddamn shit fire. Holy fuck, how are you going to make time for all this? Who the motherfuck decided we needed a garden anyway? GOD’S COCK.
Fire. Light all your candles, even the fancy ones. Get the fireplace going if you've got one. If you've been drinking all day, make sure the music is especially loud, so that you don't fall asleep and burn the house down.
Dance. Spring is coming.
"It burns inside, no place to hide; this strange tune possesses your mind …"
Have a glorious Candlemass, everyone.